About the only thing more annoying than telemarketers are bill collectors….

God help you if your credit card payment is one day overdue. With the advent of answering machines and voice mail, John Q. Public at least has a fighting chance to create a buffer between themselves and the inbound bogies.

I have heard of some funny answering machine greetings. "Hi, this is Bubba. Leave a message and I'll get back to you. Leave a sexy message and I'll get back to you sooner."

"Hi! This is Harry. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my bank, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money."

"My lover and I can't come to the phone right now but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished."

"Hello. I am Mike's answering machine. Who or what are you?"

"Hi! Christine's answering machine is broken. This is her refrigerator. Please speak very slowly and I'll stick your message to myself with a magnet."

"Hello! You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need a magazine subscription, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are already clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their pictures taken. If you're still listening, leave your name and number and they will get back to you."

"This is not an answering machine. This is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number and your reason for calling, and I'll think about returning your call."

"Hi! I'm probably home; I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message and if I don't call back, it's you."

"Hi! This is Sam. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message and then wait by your phone until I call you back."

"Hi! If you are a burglar, we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave a message."

"Hello! You've reached Jim and Cathy. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Cathy likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right, real slowly. So leave a message and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you."

"Now I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep. If I die before I wake, remember to erase the tape!"

"This is you-know-who. We are you-know-where. Leave your 'you-know-what you-know-when.'"

"You have reached 234-1243. This is an answering machine. This is the new millennium. You know what to do."

"Surprisingly, you have reached the number you have dialed. Please leave a message after the beep."

"This is a boring answering machine message. Leave a message anyway."

"This is 555-3249, and no, it's not Tony's Pizza. It's not the beauty shop either, and no one named Pamela lives here. You can leave a message though."

"I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks."

"This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast System. This is only a test."

"The number you have reached, 555-0477, has been changed. The new number is 555-0477. Please make a note of it."

"A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message."

"The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message."

"Hello, this is Ron's toaster. Ron's new answering machine is in the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done... (Cachunk!)"

"You have reached 555-6238. Why did you call?"