There I was suffering through another workout at the local gym. I am under duress when I go to the gym. There is absolutely nothing I like about being there. Oh, the people are nice enough, both employees and patrons, but I am grumpy at 5:00 a.m. and I am not interested in chatting with anybody about anything. Are you getting the picture?

So I have my earphones on and I am watching Mike & Mike in the morning on ESPN, determined not to have a conversation with the lady next to me who wants to chit-chat. I do not do small talk well with young ladies; what makes you think that I am any better with older women?

When I leave for my morning workout, I grab a canister of coffee and the sports sections from the Orlando Sentinel and the USA Today, two papers I receive daily. I only read the sports sections because that happens to be the only thing in each paper worth reading. At least the scores are accurate if not the reporting.

This was a particularly slow news day, so it did not take long for me to get through the sports section. Now I am down to finding something on the gym rack to read. The choices there are the Sports Illustrated magazines, which I have read and left there, my NASCAR Scene weekly, which I also read and left there and a conglomeration of chick reads like the Ladies’ Home Journal.

So here I am suffering through a four mile treadmill workout reading Ladies’ Home Journal. This issue had such interesting stuff like “Can This Marriage Be Saved?” and “Darling I Love It When You Talk Money to Me” and “Dog Swap.” Why would you want to swap dogs with someone?

The article that got me ballistic was the “7 Day Happiness Makeover” which featured seven days of de-stressor suggestions. Monday’s schedule included buy yourself a begonia, hug someone, book a vacation, pet a dog and clean out your purse.

Tuesday’s schedule starts with turn your shower into an invigorating aromatherapy session with lavender, vanilla or chamomile soap, laugh out loud, take a yoga class, write down five things you are grateful for and escape into a good book.

Wednesday’s agenda starts with do a crossword puzzle, e-mail an old pal, take your lunch break outside, watch a tearjerker movie and get some shut-eye.

Thursday’s routine starts with a walk in the park, smiling, let a call go to voice mail so you can stay centered and the evening’s agenda… “have sex.”

Friday morning you should wake up 20 minutes early and journal or work in the garden, chew gum (that’s right, the author advises you to chew gum), try a computer game and close your day with a stretch.

Saturday morning… stir your coffee backward, exercise, catch up with a friend over lunch, let out a scream and go on a total electronic fast at dark… no phone, computer or TV.

Sunday starts with do a little deep breathing, turn everyday events into mini-meditations, blast some Motown music and dance in the mirror and massage your head and ears (presumably from the aforementioned blast of music). Close your day with a bubble bath.

As an employed, married man reading all this, I want to scream “GET A DAMN JOB!” How about vacuum the house? Try making a meal. And who can live with sex once a week? Once a day… maybe, but once a week? Give me a break! And what’s with stirring coffee backward, chewing gum and taking electronic fasts? I wonder if they actually paid the author of this article to write this nonsense.

So I turned to the lady sweating profusely on the treadmill next to me and asked her what she thought about all of this and she said she did not have time to address this ridiculous article because she had to hustle home, take a shower, prepare the kid’s lunch, dress them, get them to the bus stop, hurry back home and make her own lunch, pay two bills before they cut the power off, get to the gas station for some gas and be to work by 9:00 a.m. so she could make her female boss a pot of coffee because she’s too damn lazy to make it herself.

I guess the crossword puzzle is going to have to wait for another day.