The good news is I live in the Orlando area. The bad news is I live in the Orlando area. Why? It happens that Orlando is considered to be a part of the Jacksonville Jaguars television market, so I am doomed to be looking at the Hags play on television.

I am yet to meet anyone who pulls for Jacksonville in the greater central Florida area. Even Jacksonville natives do not pull for Jacksonville, which is why all their home games are blacked out for the year. Good for me because in week two I got to see a great game between the Jets and the Patriots, which New York won.

The other options are that great either. To the left of me are the Tampa Bay Yucs and to the south of me are the so-called up-and-coming Miami Dolphins, a team that controlled the ball literally for three quarters against visiting Indianapolis and they still managed to lose a Monday night headliner.

All I can say is thank God NASCAR is still running races on Sundays.

Tampa Bay may be the crown jewel of the three Florida losers. The Yucs have players older than their coach. I suspect there are college teams here in Florida that could keep pace with the so-called Florida professional teams.

When I learned that it takes 3,000 cows to provide enough leather to keep the NFL in footballs for a year it made me want to join that cow on the Chick-fil-a commercial in promoting chicken. I have to say it is a waste of cattle insofar as Florida pro football teams are concerned. The University of Florida could beat the pros most days of the week, and I suspect we may even have a few high school teams that could keep the score respectable. How can such a football-rich environment be so professional deprived?

When a woman defines eternity, she need only point to point to the final two minutes of any game involving the Yuc’s, the Hag’s or the Fin’s. It makes me want to watch Desperate Housewives or The Real Housewives of Orange County.

At least my wife’s first cousin, Jeana Tomasina, who now goes by Jeana Keough, is a star on that ridiculous Orange County soap opera. She used to be easy on the eyes, but it’s been nearly 30 years since Playboy made her a centerfold. Trust me… there are too many years and quite a few pounds that separate her from the “good old days.”

College football is the place to be in the autumn. I love the way coaches sometimes justify their existence. Former BYU coach LaVell Edwards, who was one of 14 children, said in 1986: “They can’t fire me because my family buys too many tickets.”

Some professional coaches have some interesting thoughts about the officiating. Former New Orleans Saints General Manager asked what he thought of the refs in a game played back in 1986: “I’m not allowed to comment on lousy officiating.”

Maybe Erma Bombeck had it right: “Anybody who watches three games of football in a row should be declared brain dead.” She had to be talking about the Yuc’s, the Hag’s and the Fin’s.

And the players themselves are not a lot brighter. When Oakland Raiders tackle was asked why he was not going to vote in a 1996 election he said, “I was going to write myself in but I was afraid I’d get shot.”

One of the things you have to love about college football is the rivalries. There are many but I defy you to find any that possess more pure hatred than South Carolina versus Clemson. Gamecock fans give directions to Clemson: “Go north till you smell it and west till you step in it.”

Clemson fans say Carolina grads aren’t too bright. This Carolina grad was pulled by the local fuzz. The cop asked him if he had a governor on the truck. “No sir, the governor… he’s over there in the capital… that’s fertilizer you smell.”

Carolina fans ask: “Do you know what you get when you cross a Clemson graduate with a gorilla? You get one of two things: a gorilla with a very low IQ or a very hairy County Agent.

Ain’t football fun?