Why are men and women so different? This is a question that has plagued humankind for ages. Women have their rules and men have theirs…

For instance, men like to look at women. Women pretend they don't enjoy men gawking at them yet they go to great pains to look good. Go figure.

Men like the toilet seat up. It's convenient for us. Women like it down. You never hear men complaining about it being down, but woe is me if I leave it up. Ladies, learn how to work the toilet seat. It's better than sitting on a wet one.

Women don't understand that weekends are for sports. I have never figured out Desperate Housewives, nor am I interested in learning. My wife doesn't understand sports. She says, "Why don't you just wait until the morning and read the results in the paper?" They don't understand the term "thrill of the kill."

And yet, women see shopping as a sport. We never called it shopping; we call it buying and frankly, the first item that comes closest to the target purchase will do. Price and colors are not the issues.

Women use crying to get what they want. Men think crying is blackmail. On behalf of men everywhere, simply tell us what you want. Don't use subtle hints, strong hints or obvious hints. Tell us what it is you want; don't make us figure it out. And yes or no is a perfectly acceptable answer to any question. Dialog is not a requirement or a necessity.

Give me a problem only if you want a solution. Don't make me analyze it and provide a written report. Men's philosophy is if you ignore it long enough, it will go away. The great Ben Franklin would go for weeks at a time before he opened his mail. By the time he opened the mail most problems had solved themselves. If it was good enough for Ben, it's good enough for Mike. And yes, I prefer Mike but my wife insists that I use Michael, which is the name of my wife's hairdresser.

Men don't do sympathy or empathy. Those are female traits. Men don't feel guilt. Again, that's a female trait. If you want a friend, buy a dog. Men aren't looking for friends. We only want buddies and they're all male.

Women never forget. Men never remember, which is why something we may have uttered in haste or in error six months ago is no longer even on our radar screen. It's null and void.

If you think you're fat, there's a good possibility that you might be right, but for Pete's sake, don't ask men to confirm this. We didn't get you that way and it shouldn't fall upon us to fix it.

If you ask something of us that can be interpreted in two ways, go with the one that makes you happy, not sad. Assume we meant the best.

If I'm watching Frank Caliendo on Fox Network on Sunday, please don't interrupt. Come in and chat only during the commercials. Weekends are for sports.

By the way, Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and I see no reason why we do either. And another thing… if it itches, we scratch it.

And then there's the issue of colors. Colors don't register in a man's brain. Peach, grape, cherry, apple, banana and pumpkin are fruits or vegetables, not colors. And what is mauve anyway? And if we need to dress up and go out, anything you wear is fine, just don't go nude. And yes, you have enough clothes already and you don't need that 25th pair of shoes… really you don't.

Don't ask what we're thinking unless you're interested in discussing sex, sports or cars.

Yes, I am in shape. Round is a shape.

And please, please, please… don't ask me which one of your friends I would like to be with if you weren't in the picture. These are things men only want to discuss during certain activities, if you get my drift. And typically, that's NOT when you want to discuss them.

I know I'll have to sleep on the couch tonight but I really don't mind. It's like camping out.