Halloween is my favorite day of the year. I know it's not a holiday as such, but I like it for many reasons.

First, nobody is going to be offended because it's politically incorrect. Yes, there are many grumpy people that refuse to answer their doors, and some even get nailed for being inhospitable to the little critters that come knocking. But nobody is going to complain that it's a holiday to honor someone with whom we disagree.

Secondly, save those of us who suffer from being diabetic, what harm can a little candy do? Give it up folks. It's the ritual that we honor, not the crappy candy that most old fogies (especially here in Florida) give out.

I celebrate Halloween every Sunday at St. Thomas Aquinas Catholic Church in St. Cloud, Florida. I take 20 bags of candy to church each week to bribe the kids into being quiet during Mass. It works. You get the kind of behavior you reward. Mass at 10:00 a.m. is full of old geezers, except in the far right hand corner where the choir (of which I am a member) sits. Every kid in the church sits in that section. The word's out, there's a guy with a big nose and big ears who gives out candy. Sit here.

Remember the old biddy down the street that gave out nickels? What am I going to do with a nickel, for Pete's sake? It won't even buy a piece of candy. That old bird needs to have her house T-P'd just for trying to be respectable on a day where it's a given to not be respectable.

The ones that really ticked me off as a kid were those people who thought it was cute to play a game with me before they would give up a Snickers bar. You've heard them all… What do goblins and ghosts drink when they're hot and thirsty on Halloween? Ghoul-aid!!!

What is a Mummy's favorite type of music? Wrap!!! Why do demons and ghouls hang out together? Because demons are a ghoul's best friend! Get it? What's a monster's favorite bean? A human-bean.

What do you call a witch who lives at the beach? A sand-witch. Where does a ghost go on Saturday night? Anywhere he can boo-gie! What do ghosts say when something is really neat? Ghooooul-ly!

Why did the game warden arrest the ghost? He didn't have a haunting license. What do you call a goblin that gets too close to a bonfire? A toasty-ghosty!

What tops off a ghost's ice cream Sunday? Whipped scream! What do you give a skeleton for Valentine's Day? Bone-bones in a heart shaped box. What is a vampire's favorite holiday? Fangsgiving.

What kind of makeup do ghosts wear? Mas-scare-a. Who was the most famous ghost detective? Sherlock Moans. Who was the most famous skeleton detective? Sherlock Bones.

They get worse folks…Which building does Dracula visit in New York? The Vampire State Building. Where do werewolves live? In Howllywood, California.

And my personal favorite… Where do most goblins live? In North and South Scarolina!

What instrument do skeletons play? Trom-BONE. How can you tell a vampire likes baseball? Every night he turns into a bat. Where does a ghost go on vacation? Mali-boo.

What do you call two witches living together? Broommates. What do the birds sing on Halloween? Twick or Tweet. Why did the mummy call the doctor? Because he was coffin.

Where did the vampire open his savings account? At a blood bank. Where do mummies go for a swim? To the dead sea. On what kind of street does the Mummy live? A DEAD END.

Thank goodness… this is the end! Don't spook unless spooken to!