The folks my local Publix Grocery Store think I'm nuts. Every week I purchase four or five bags of candy ranging from M&M's to bubble gum. One checkout lady, who hates Kyle Bush, the NASCAR punk who pilots an M&M sponsored car more than I do, suggested I was a Bush fan for buying all the M&M's. No way!

"You must have a sweet tooth," remarked my bagboy, a retired CEO that ran a major corporation and now bags groceries to fill his retirement day. "Not really. Don't eat the stuff myself. I just give this away to the kids at my church."

It drives the Priests crazy that I'm handing out candy during the traditional "sign of peace" part of Mass, but how else are you going to endure some of these homilies if the little ones don't have a little something to look forward to at the end of Mass. It ain't like they are watching MTV or cartoons there.

I usually put about five pieces of candy in a little plastic bag with a note on the front: "Smile… Mikey" and I draw a little Mickey Mouse face. My wife thinks I need therapy, but I'm here to tell you THIS IS MY THERAPY!

I usually hand out about 25 bags of candy when I'm in town each week. A series of speaking engagements kept me on the road for several weekends, and the little ones were getting restless. "Where is the guy who sits in the choir with the big ears who gives out candy?" Not to fret, I returned with a vengeance this week with a couple of full size candy bars in the bag. I've been forgiven by my fans.

Last week Publix had a two-for-one special going on Nestle Crunch Bars and Butterfingers, so I loaded up because Halloween is coming up. And speaking of Halloween, it's time for my annual list of groaners.

Why don't angry witches ride their brooms? They're afraid of flying off the handle.

Who won the skeleton beauty contest? No body!

Where do baby ghosts go during the day? Dayscare centers.

What's a monster's favorite play? Romeo and Ghouliet.

What do witches put on their hair? Scare spray.

What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost? Bamboo.

What kind of mistakes do spooks make? Boo boos.

What does the Tweety Bird say on Halloween? Twick or tweet.

What does a ghost eat for lunch? A BOO-logna sandwich.

Where do mummies go for a swim? In the Dead Sea.

Where to ghosts mail their letters? At the ghost office.

How do you mend a Jack-o-lantern? With a pumpkin patch.

Where does South Carolina Coach Steve Spurrier's quarterbacks throw their football? Anywhere but over the ghoul line. (Okay, so I digress a bit).

When does the skeleton laugh? When somebody tickles his funny bone.

What do goblins mail home while on vacation? Ghostcards.

What is a ghost's favorite party game? Hide-and-go-shriek.

What do baby ghosts wear on their feet? Boo-ties.

What did the boy ghost say to the girl ghost? You look boo-tiful.

What's a ghost favorite article of clothing? Boojeans.

What does a ghost put on his cereal? Boonanas and booberries.

What's a monster's favorite food? Ghoul scout cookies.

When do ghosts cook their victims? On Fry Day.

What's a vampire's favorite candy? A sucker.

What do ghosts eat for dinner? Spookgetti.

Where does Count Dracula usually eat his lunch? At the casketeria.

Why is the ghost such a messy eater? Because he was always a goblin.

What's a mummy's favorite kind of music? Wrap

And finally (mercifully) where do ghosts buy their food? At the Publix Ghostery Stores, of course.