Today is Valentine's Day and it just makes sense to discuss this in some detail…

Most men don't do the right things on Valentine's Day. A woman's idea of romance is not opening the door while she carries the laundry to the washer and dryer. It's not plugging and unplugging the vacuum cleaner as she moves from room to room, or lifting your feet while she vacuums.

Moreover, probably the last thing your sweetie needs on Valentine's Day is a box of chocolates, most of which you'll consume, or that Victoria's Secret get-up. She isn't going to live up to the promise, and she isn't going to end up looking like models that you see wearing the outfit in the book. You might want to avoid clothes with the words "push-up" and "slim down" on the label describing them.

I'd avoid getting her that new Rambo video as well. That never worked for me. Don't take her to a Clint Eastwood movies either. And for heaven's sake, don't give her cash or gift certificates. You want to avoid the gifts you gave your mom too. I remember I bought my mom a broom one year, and Mama Alice was actually very appreciative, but I doubt the little woman will buy into that with as much enthusiasm.

Don't buy those mushy cards that say stuff you'd never say to her otherwise. It just shows your stupidity and laziness. Get a blank card and have at it. No matter how stupid your copy sounds, it is, in fact, your copy and she'll appreciate it a lot more.

My brother, Andy, who sponsors this column, is an attorney by profession. If you really want to have some fun at someone else's expense, get 100 Valentine's Cards and send them out with signed "your secret admirer." It'll drive them crazy. This is a great marketing ploy for divorce lawyers.

You've heard that old statement… "If you love somebody, set her free. If she comes back, she's yours. If she doesn't, she never was." The optimist says, "If you love somebody, set her free; don't worry, she'll come back." The pessimist says, "If you love somebody, set her free. If she ever comes back, she's yours. If she doesn't, well, as expected, she never was."

So how do you rate? If you go to get flowers and return with beer, you have to deduct some points. If you stay by her side at a party, that was expected, so you get no points. If you step away to talk to a drinking buddy, that will cost you points. If the drinking buddy is female, it'll cost you more than points.

If you visit her parents, that will earn you points. Since I actually like my in-laws, Paul and Rita Thiel, it would be a wash in my case; no points earned.

If you agree to watch Desperate Housewives with her and pretend you're actually enjoying it, you'll earn points. My wife's cousin is former Playboy Playmate, Jenna Tomasina Keough. She is one of the stars on Bravo TV's Real Housewives from Orange County. If you can sit through that show without making a derogatory statement, you've earned bonus points.

If you take her out to dinner and there's not a football game playing over the bar, you've earned points. When there's a game on, no matter where you take her-- no points are earned. And you lose points when you take her to Hooters.

One year my wife Christine and her friend Rita took me to Rachel's in Orlando for lunch. It's a strip joint for Pete's sake. As Eddie Murphy would say, nobody eats lunch at a strip joint. The lowest form of humanity wouldn't eat at a strip joint. Going to a place like Rachel's with your wife is like taking a Game Warden hunting. I have to tell you, I couldn't get out of there quick enough. Yuck!

So be good to your sweetie today. Take her out to eat at a place she would enjoy. Buy her a blank card and do the "roses are red, violets are blue thing…" Buy her something nice that she'll enjoy. If you're going to give her roses, go with peach or yellow. Any idiot can buy red roses. Impress her by having the roses sent a day early.

And finally, tell her you love her. The fact is she is the best thing that ever happened to you. When my old friend and coach, J. W. Ingram first met my wife, his comment was simple and blunt: "Son, you've outrun your punt coverage here, haven't you?"

After 34 years with my bride, I know full well I'm in over my head… but I've adjusted nicely… thank you!