My brother, Andy, is a lawyer and is probably the only barrister I don't totally hate. Why do lawyers have such a lousy reputation?

There are so many wonderful lawyer jokes, most of which are perpetuated by the legal profession itself. Like funeral directors, you have to have a sense of humor to survive in business. Here are some of my favorite lawyer jokes to pass the time as summer kicks in.

Q: If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Attila, the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do? A: Shoot the lawyer twice.

Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A: A good start!

Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? A: His lips are moving.

Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers? A: Professional courtesy.

Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand? A: Not enough sand.

Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers? A: To practice.

A command was given to a dog: "SPEAK!" The dog said in return: "Not without my lawyer present!"

Q: Why is going to a meeting of the Bar Association like going into a bait shop? A: Because of the abundance of suckers, leeches, maggots and night-crawlers

Q: Why are there so many lawyers in the U.S.? A: Because St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo? A: The lawyer charges more.

A man who had been caught embezzling millions from his employer went to a lawyer seeking defense. He didn't want to go to jail. But his lawyer told him, "Don't worry. You'll never have to go to jail with all that money." And the lawyer was right. When the man was sent to prison, he didn't have a dime.

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. But, to his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was standing. St. Peter greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?" St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 295 years old!"

Two lawyers were out hunting when they came upon a couple of tracks. After close examination, the first lawyer declared them to be deer tracks. The second lawyer disagreed, insisting they must be elk tracks. They were still arguing when the train hit them.

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing. A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready. "All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except the lawyers are still going around passing out business cards."

A golfer hooked his tee shot over a hill and onto the next fairway. Walking toward his ball, he saw a man lying on the ground, groaning with pain. "I'm an attorney," the wincing man said, "and this is going to cost you $5000." "I'm sorry, I'm really sorry," the concerned golfer replied. "But I did yell 'fore'." "I'll take it," the attorney said. Two prisoners are talking about their crimes. George: "I robbed a bank, and they gave me 20 years" Herman: "Hmm. I killed a man, and I'm here for 3 days." George: "WHAT??? I rob a bank and get 20 years; you kill a man and get 3 days???" Herman: "Yeah, it was a lawyer."