Time to vent about the sorry cable television service I have with a company that rhymes with "Lighthouse Networks." You figure it out! They're the ones with a monopoly in St. Cloud, Florida. The problem with a monopoly is that you don't have choices. That's precisely the case with "Lighthouse Networks."

As I'm typing this article, I'm waiting on hold for the "next available customer service professional" because they are servicing other customers. Fair enough. After all, they phoned me to ask how the service went with the latest technician they sent out, the sixth consecutive guy to come out and not solve the problem.

So I navigated through the electronic menu they presented me to learn that they were just seeking to find out how great their service was. As long answered the electronic survey in a positive fashion, I could progress through their moronic menu which could be sung to the tune "How Great Thou Art." NOT! They weren't looking to solve my problems; they were trying to reaffirm their own greatness.

"Was I satisfied with the technician they sent out?" This was their first question. I couldn't say that I was or wasn't. He did not solve the problem but I'm not sure it had to do with his competence or the lack thereof. Rather, I think it was "Lighthouse Network's" problem. Still, I wasn't going to trash the tech they sent, so I answered the narrowly asked question that he seemed competent.

The next question was another verse of "How Great Thou Art," asking what I thought about the service. What service? This was their sixth trip and my television is still freezing up.

Then they gave me the opportunity to press the number one and a customer service professional would be right with me, assuring me that my call was very important. NOT. If my call is so important, why am I now on hold with "Lighthouse Networks" for well over an hour? I now fear my telephone battery is going to die before a human being picks up on the other line.

I continue to hold and now I've been waiting for one hour and twenty minutes. Four people have tried to phone me during this interim period, but I can't take their calls because I'm waiting on some moron to pick up the phone on the other end.

In my book, "It's the Customer, Stupid!" (John Wiley & Sons) I document this kind of idiotic treatment of customers. In this day and time when customer service is not supposed to be an oxymoron, this kind of treatment of a customer is precisely why they go ballistic.

The problem is that you have no choice of another cable service. They have the monopoly on St. Cloud, Florida unless you want to go with their satellite competitor, whose own service is subject to a cloudy day or not.

So as I remain on hold, I'm now up to almost two hours on the phone. I now have a private bet going in my head. What's going to happen first? (1) Someone will actually answer the phone on the other end; (2) My phone will die; (3) I might die while on hold.

Since my health isn't exactly that bad yet, I'm counting on my not dying before my phone does. This has been an interesting contest. I'm now up to over three hours on hold but my trusty telephone battery is bravely holding out. Hang in there buddy. You're stronger than you think!

Every two minutes or so the electronic voice comes on the line saying: "All of our customer service professionals are currently servicing other customers. Please remain on hold for the next available customer service professional." This is actually a cruel joke because there is no customer service professional that's going to answer. This is "The Great Lighthouse Customer Service Lie."

The good news is I didn't die. The bad news… well, four and one half hours later my poor phone battery did. I really don't know how long I would have had to wait… and sadly now I'll never know.

Six times the technicians have come to our home to fix the problem with the televisions in our home freezing up. Okay I get it; there's a glitch somewhere in the system, but six trips to fix the same problem? This is indeed the great customer service lie!