I have to start taking my own reading material to the gym in the morning. It is 5:30 in the morning and the Mike & Mike show does not start until 6:00 a.m. so I looking for some reading material. The rack is full of chick stuff… you know, Marie Claire, Redbook, Cosmo and Good Housekeeping. Serves me right for not hauling my own magazines along.

So here I am suffering through Redbook. I figured Redbook could not be all bad. After all, Matthew McConaughey, the hero Coach in the movie “We Are Marshall” bragged about the memory techniques he acquired from Redbook that helped him to remember the names of his football players at Marshall University. “Redbook! It works!”

So I open my Redbook searching for some inspiration. It was chocked full of such interesting articles as “The One Thing Happily Married Women Won’t Do” and “Slash Your Risk for Deadly Disease.” I suspect those two articles may have some overlap.

And of course there are the articles about your love life such as “Reconnect with Romance… Learn to Fall in Love Again.” The net result of that article is the thing that most men hate, sharing their inner feelings. “We Never Talk Heart To Heart” is more about getting us macho guys to open up.

I actually enjoyed the article about “Making Friends At 40… Finding New Pals When You’re Not a Kid Anymore.” Okay, my problem is I am 60 and grumpy. I am not interested in having friends or pals. “If you want a friend, buy a dog,” so said Harry Truman about being a politician in Washington.

I did not recognize most of the things being advertised in Redbook but I did spot one guy I knew -- Tom Brady, the quarterback of the New England Patriots, who was advertising Stetson Cologne. I am not sure why they advertise men’s cologne in a woman’s magazine.

One thing you have to say about Redbook, it is chocked full of advertisements. Somebody must be buying something. Seems like over half the book is advertising. One article that caught my interest was “Oops! How to Own Up to Your Mess-ups,” i.e. coming clean with a pal who you have been scamming or coming clean with a boss. It occurred to me, if they were a friend, why did you scam them to begin with?

And then there was the article “Better Sex- By the Book.” Okay, I am always on the lookout for ways to improve my love life. The article asked 1,000 adults to describe their love life and it ranged from hot (23%) to orgasmic (22%) to steamy (17%) to Oscar-worthy (6%). My question, what’s the difference between hot and Oscar-worthy?

Unfortunately, there were some other categories like… predictable (19%), tolerable (10%), depressing (9%) and lukewarm (9%). Some interesting descriptors included ice cold (6%) and sleep-inducing (6%). I was more interested in those who answered explosive (13%) and wild (14%).

In reading the article about “The Secrets Behind Great Marriages,” nowhere did I see my most profound secret of all: “Be wrong so that she may be right.” No sense in losing the dividend and the investment. Notwithstanding the fact that my wife is generally right all the time anyway, it’s just simpler to own up to that fact on the front end.

And then there was the article “My Brother-In-Law Butts In.” I simply substituted the word mother for brother and the article made all the sense in the world to me.

The one article “Why I Am Having an Affair” occurred to me to be a bit suggestive but it was quickly followed on the next page by “How Far Would You Go to Save Your Marriage.” Try not having an affair. Duh!

Finally, I came across an ad that made more sense to me than all of the articles put together. It had a picture of a German shepherd on the ad and was titled “I Am a Dog and I’ll Chase Anything That Moves.” Now there is something I can relate to. Since I have been advised by many folks that all men are dogs, I guess I relate well to this ad. The ad goes on to say (presumably quoting the dog) “The toilet is my own personal water fountain. And though I have a keen sense of smell, I don’t always make good digestive decisions.” I can relate to all of that except drinking out of the toilet.

And don’t ever suggest that I am out of line for reading Playboy or Penthouse. I have news for you folks. There are just as many thinly clad women in Marie Claire, another chick magazine that was in the gym. That gal in the Lancôme Paris ad, which I presume is hustling some smell-good of some sort, only had on what she arrived into this world with.

I have to start taking my own reading material to the gym.