There I was suffering through another round of Martha Stewart on television. Serves me right for getting on a treadmill on the "chick" side of the gym.

Martha Stewart has her way of doing things. The women I work out with have their way and trust me, they're real women. Most of them can out lift me, but then that's why I work out with them. If they can clean my clock, imagine what the guys could do.

Real women have their way of doing things. For instance, Martha suggests that you stuff a miniature marshmallow into the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips. Real women teach their kids to suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone. They're probably lying on the couch with their feet up anyway.

Martha says "To keep potatoes from budding just place an apple in the bag of potatoes." Real women buy instant potatoes and keep them in the cupboard year round.

Martha recommends you "When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking tin, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake." Real women buy a Publix cake that's already decorated.

Martha warns "If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a potato slice." Real women say "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes." Martha says to cure your headache take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away. Real women take a lime, cut it in half and drop it in 8 ounces of vodka and guzzle it down. You might still have the headache, but you won't give a damn!

Martha says, "If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy." Real women respond, "Why do I have a man?" Martha's tip about wine is to freeze leftover wine into ice cubes for future use in casseroles. Real women say "Left over wine? Helllloooo!

I admire all that Martha Stewart has had to overcome to bounce back. It's human nature to want to see the mighty fall. Martha never helped herself very much with the chip she had on her shoulder before being hauled off to Shawshank.

I was trying to imagine what her to-do list looked like while she was in the big house. Like imagining the many shades of gray for Martha Stewart paints or creating a new "rope-a-dope" promotion.

Do you think she went the way of that other famous diva, Leona Helmsley, berating the domestic staffers at Shawshank? Don't think so. She had plenty of time; she could have made a nice handmade quilt for the judge using $100 bills.

Martha made number of recommendations when she visited the big house including uniforms with vertical rather than horizontal stripes and pink rather than orange jump suits.

It's rumored she began a new book "Minimum Security with Maximum Flair." She also has plans for a new movie "The Shawshank Redecoration." And then there's that new TV series for the food channel "Cool Ham Soup." See how much you can accomplish in the slammer!

To be fair, Martha came up with a number of clever new ideas in prison. For instance, you can take a simple turkey baster to remove those beans lodged in your ear canal. And don't discard tooth picks. Simply apply some glue on some belly button lint and you'll never have to pay for Q-tips again.

By the way, a wreath of dirty underwear is great for repelling mosquitoes. And remember, in a pinch, frozen water can substitute for ice. And always buy two pairs of the same socks; that way, if you lose one sock, you have two replacements.

Finally, by associating with known rednecks in prison, Martha was able to pick up on some tips for her return to society. For instance, never take a beer to a job interview and try to avoid taking a cooler to church.

And remember, if you have to vacuum your bed, it's probably time to change the sheets.