I'm still in hot water over a column I wrote some time back…

Why do we men do what we do when we know what we know? That's a question for the ages and one that deserves a moment of pondering in today's column.

Men do stupid things; it's just in our nature. For instance… why do we introduce ourselves to other men in a restroom? Are we just trying to be polite?

Why do we suck in our stomachs when we're on the beach? Does it really matter?

God had to be saying to himself after he created man… boy, I know I can do better than this? So God created woman and now I understand the concept of night and day.

So I recently put my foot in my mouth in a column that pointed out the differences between men and women, a debate that has raged on for ages. Boy, did I open a can of worms.

Probably the shortest book in the world is "What Men Know About Women." I should have been the author. There are so many things about me that my lovely wife, Christine doesn't understand.

She doesn't understand why I never change the toilet paper. Answer, I never did it before.

She doesn't understand why I like sports. Answer, it's the thrill of the kill. She's always asking me, "Why don't you just read the score in the paper in the morning?"

She doesn't understand what my version of housework is… to lift my feet when she's vacuuming. I never learned how to operate the vacuum cleaner.

Now, to be fair, I do all the ironing in the house on Sunday, mainly because I'm sentenced to my "cave" (the bedroom) to watch NASCAR or football or whatever sport is on the tube with the week's pile of laundry. Sadly, I've become very adept at this. I'm not sure whether I should be proud or downright ashamed of myself that I am so good at ironing.

The old axiom that "all men are liars" is not entirely accurate. Men have short memory spans, and we're just not very smart. If we were, we wouldn't keep doing the things that got us into hot water in the first place.

My wife is one of the most loving, giving people I've ever met and yet I always seem to find ways to tick her off. When I'm really in trouble, I've learned to keep my mouth shut, to which she asks "Why won't you talk to me about it?" Talking is what got me into trouble in the first place.

I won the World Championship of Speaking for Toastmasters. You would think I could communicate a basic thought to another person without ticking them off. When Christine asks "Are you willing to…?" I should be smart enough to interpret that as "I better do…" whatever it is she wants.

When she says to me that something is "fine" I should have sense enough to understand that "this conversation is over." Just shut up! But no, I've got to have a debate.

I should learn the words, "yes dear… you're right dear… I'll be happy to dear…" No, I'm stupid. I have to have a debate and in the end I still end up doing what she wants done anyway, but now I've lost the dividend and the investment. Why am I so stupid?

There's got to be something in the male anatomy that accounts for this. When she says to me "Please do…" I'm stupid enough to ask "Why?" I should realize that "Please do…" is not an offer, it's a polite order and it's an opportunity for me to be a hero and say, "Yes dear… I'll be happy to…" But no, I'm stupid! I have to burn the bridge after I've crossed it so I can't get back to the other side.

Attention men: Do what you wife wants you to do. Learn the words Yes dear… you're right dear… I'll be happy to dear… of course I love you dear (it's my job, ain't it?) You might want to leave that last one off your list.