My wife and kids gave me a fabulous gift for Father's Day several years ago. They treated me to the Richard Petty Driving Experience at Disney World. Folks, I had the time of my life because I've always been a big NASCAR fan ever since I first met Petty, David Pearson, Ralph Earnhardt (Dale's father) and dozens of other drivers while covering the races at the old Columbia Speedway in Cayce, SC back in the seventies.

I was Sports Editor of the Lexington (SC) Dispatch-News in those days and they welcomed any kind of press that would show up at the clay oval short track.

For those of you who are not NASCAR fans, you can't possibly know the sport's language we rednecks like to use to follow the sport. With the new NASCAR season now underway, it's time to unveil my version of the NASCAR dictionary.

For those who think drafting is gulping down draft beer, you're wrong; it's a method of getting around the track faster by following in the draft of the car in front of you.

A spoiler is not a flat tire that caused that punk Jeff Gordon to wreck; it's a piece on the rear of his car.

A special paint scheme has nothing to do with how the little woman wants you to repaint the house this spring, but a new paint job for this weekend's race.

A track bar is not a beer stop at the track but a piece that is part of the automobile.

HANS is not an acronym for "having a nice Sunday/Saturday" but a head and neck/shoulder piece that keeps you from using your head as a ping pong ball when you meet the outside wall at 200 miles per hour.

Marbles are not what you've lost for paying $5.00 for 25 cents worth of water, but rather the debris that collects at the top of the track as the tires wear and shed.

Tight is not from having too much beer in you. Nor is it from being too cheap to pony up $5.00 for water so you decided to haul your own to the track. Rather it is a condition where you can't get your car to turn.

Conversely, loose has nothing to do with the babe sitting next to you but the tail end of the car tending to float up the track.

A donut is not something you take to the track for your hemorrhoids or something you eat, but a celebratory event the winner gets to exhibit after the race. A wedge is often used to improve the performance on the track; it's not what you get when you forgot to bring your hemorrhoid donut seat.

Similarly, a burnout is not getting too much gas from the chili dogs you consumed all day, but another of those victory celebrations, bringing to mind a favorite saying from the old Alabama Coach Bear Bryant when a player made too much fuss in the end zone about scoring a touchdown: "Act like you've been here before!"

And "dirty air" has nothing to do with the aforementioned chili dogs but rather not being able to pass because the air off the car in front of you is holding you back.

Financing is not what you need to pay for your tickets and a visit to the track, but rather what the team hopes to raise in the way of a sponsor. A souvenir is a licensed product that you could acquire from any K-mart for $1.50 but will cost you $50.00 at the race track.

NASCAR drivers aren't the brightest guys in the world. When someone runs them off the track, these morons get out of their wrecked car, take off their helmet and have the nerve to stand in front of the offending driver when he comes back around, as if to say, go ahead, finish the job. It's like taking a knife to a gunfight. And rarely is one driver saying to the other that you're number one as he holds up the bird finger.

A spring rubber…. well I ain't even going there!