In the speaking business, we blabbers love to have our "go-to" humor when we need it. You know… when the lights go out or the audiovisual stuff goes on the blink.

One of my favorite things to "go-to" is signs. Here are a few of the signs that strike me as being funny. NO TRESPASSING! Violators will be shot. Survivors will be shot again.

St. Cyril of Alexandria Catholic Church in the Diocese of Galveston posted this sign: "STAYING IN BED SHOUTING OH GOD DOES NOT CONSTITUTE GOING TO CHURCH."

This sign was seen in a bar: "DON'T THROW YOUR CIGARETTE ENDS ON THE FLOOR. THE COCKROACHES ARE GETTING CANCER."

Seen over an ATM in a 7-11: "CAUTION, THIS MACHINE HAS NO BRAIN; USE YOUR OWN."

Sign over a storefront in San Francisco: "MR. TOSKANA HAS HAD AN EXPENSIVE DIVORCE AND NOW NEEDS THE MONEY, SO SALE IS NOW ON!

And then this sign at a Canadian zoo: "PLEASE BE SAFE. DON'T STAND, SIT, CLIMB, OR LEAN ON THE ZOO FENCES. IF YOU FALL, ANIMALS COULD EAT YOU AND THAT MIGHT MAKE THEM SICK. THANK YOU!"

In a mall, "WARNING… CHILDREN LEFT UNATTENDED WILL BE SOLD TO THE CIRCUS."

Sign on a marquee: "POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN; COPS HAVE NOTING TO GO ON." Road sign: "CRUISE SHIPS USE AIRPORT EXIT."

Here's a sign for a sale you could skip: "0% OFF OF SELECT ITEMS TODAY."

In front of United Methodist Church: "DON'T LET WORRIES KILL YOU LET THE CHURCH HELP."

Another no-smoking sign: "PLEASE DO NOT DROP YOUR CIGARETTE BUTTS ON THE GROUND. THE FISH CRAWL OUT AT NIGHT TO SMOKE THEM AND WE ARE TRYING TO GET THEM TO QUIT."

In front of Wicked Wok Chinese Restaurant: "NO! WE NO SEE CAT OF YOURS. NO MORE ASK PLEASE."

Seen in a business: "DON'T STEAL. THE GOVERNMENT DOESN'T LIKE COMETITION."

In front of an Exxon station: "WE PROVIDE ONSITE HOME REFINANCING TO HELP OUT WITH GAS PURCHASE." Or this one across the street: "GAS PRICES… REGULAR- 1 ARM; UNLEADED- 1 LEG; PREMIUM- 1 FIRST BORN CHILD."

Sign at Cornerstone Christian Church: "DON'T MAKE ME COME DOWN THERE- GOD."

In Colorado on a mountain: "SOFT SHOULDERS, BLIND CURVES, STEEP GRADE, BIG TRUCKS… GOOD LUCK!"

And this special sign for good ole Lonnie: "NO HUNTING! NO FISHING! NO NOTHING! GO HOME! EXCEPT FOR LONNIE."

Looking for work? Hot 'n Now Fast Food: "NOW HIRING LOSERS." Or this one: Checkers sign: "NOW HIRING 2 BIG BUFORDS FOR 3 BUCKS."

In front of a Vegas night club: "FIFTY BEAUTIFUL GIRLS… AND THREE UGLY ONES."

In front of a Knights of Columbus Blood Drive: "GIVE BLOOD… 8 BILLION MOSQUITOS CAN'T BE WRONG."

And this warning from the police: "DRIVE SLOW AND SEE OUR CITY. DRIVE FAST AND SEE OUR JAIL."

In a Winter Haven, Florida neighborhood, someone added to a sign: "SLOW CHILDREN… Addition: (grow up to work at the post office.)"

In front of a church, another enterprising soul wrote this in: "IF YOU ARE THROUGH WITH SIN, COME ON IN." Addition: (If not, call 957-0000).

And some sign makers need to put the punctuation in the right place. "PLEASE DON'T SHOOT KIDS AT PLAY."

In front of Sherrill's: "EAT HERE GET GAS." Or this one in front of a Mexican Restaurant: "MEXICAN FOOD WE HAVE GAS." You think?

I can't wait to visit this place: "HOT BEER, LOUSY FOOD, BAD SERVICE… WELCOME… HAVE A NICE DAY."

Ladies, bet you can't wait to visit the "CURL UP N DYE HAIR SALON."

"WELCOME TO STANTON… HOME OF 3000 FRIENDLY PEOPLE AND A FEW OLD SOREHEADS."

And my personal favorite which was a billboard printed literally upside down: "IF YOU CAN READ THIS UPSIDE DOWN, YOU JUST HAD AN ACCIDENT."