Steven was only 51 years old. He worked for me. He was a colleague and friend…and recently, he ended his life…

I have been blessed in my life with a wealth of inexperience in losing loved ones. I have never known anyone personally who decided to take his or her life. I have to believe that people would rather live, but the pain of living must be greater than the alternatives.

The experts tell us that the first thing you need to realize is that suicide is not about wanting to die. It's about wanting the pain to stop. It's desperation reaching out its hand and begging for release from life's torments. It's a desire for freedom from a pain that is so overwhelming that you feel utterly hopeless and helpless.

Someone who is suicidal does not want to die; they want to live. They just don't know how to live anymore. They need help. They need direction. They need encouragement.

I met with my Priest to discuss this, and he assured me that my friend made his choice. Not his wife, not his kids, not his family, not his employer, not his friends…. no one in his life made this choice; Steven did.

Still, it doesn't lessen the guilt, anger and frustration that everyone in his life feels. The guilt is borne out of the thinking: "What could I have done that could have prevented this?" The experts say what experts always say: "It depends."

My son Christopher is studying to be a Registered Nurse. In his mental health classes, the professors suggest that when a person is at his or her lowest point that is not when they are most vulnerable. It's when they appear to be making a comeback that they are most susceptible to making a bad choice. When it looks like they have turned the corner and the depression has stopped, they are most vulnerable at that moment. The reason is they have arrived at a decision and they have a plan to end things.

Those around Steven will have guilt for months or years to come. It won't go away, but we do have to understand that it was Steven's choice, not mine, not his family or anyone else. That doesn't lessen the frustration.

The frustration is in trying to make sense of a senseless loss. The frustration is trying to understand the "why" behind Steven's decision. The pain we all feel in his decision, which is now our loss, hurries along the frustration. I have concluded that there is no making sense out of a senseless loss.

The anger we feel is real. Law enforcement experts tell us that you can tell a lot about someone by how they take their lives. If someone takes their life in their home, perhaps this is a message to the family. If they take their lives in the work environment, perhaps this is a message to his co-workers. Steven did not leave a message or a clue as to his decision. Though it happened in his home, the fact is we'll probably never know the reasons behind the choice.

Some people take their lives for financial reasons. My friend was well heeled and had no such issues in his life.

I suspect there could be a myriad of reasons why someone ends their life. They make choices that not only affect them, but they impact those they leave behind. Some would suggest that it is a control issue and that the deceased is legitimately trying to control others from his or her grave and that they are selfish.

Whatever the reasons, suicide is painful and deplorable. Some studies suggest that it gives children permission to duplicate the act. I'm not sure how accurate that information is. There's no question that it profoundly affects them. They will never be the same.

So life goes on for those who remain. We have to learn to live with the choice that another made. But in the end, make no mistake, it was Steven's choice.