Okay… listen up boys and girls… it's time for my annual advice column on Valentine's Day, that innocuous day of the year that someone invented for reasons completely above and beyond the male brain.

First, ladies, save your money. Don't buy us a card. A six pack of beer will do and trust me, we'll enjoy it a lot more than some card written by a stranger and passed along to you to express your inner most thoughts about us.

We men are not the brightest creatures on the planet. You think we could figure out that while love is grand, divorce is a hundred grand. We're a lot like beer bottles- empty from the neck up. We think a seven course meal is a hot dog and a six pack. So ladies, understand that this is the mentality of the opposite sex. When you say we only have a half of a brain that actually makes us gifted because we never use our brain. That's why it's never been determined how long a man takes to change a roll of toilet paper. It's never been documented because it has never happened. God had it right when he created man… "I know I can do better than this."

Men, here are some quick tips on what NOT to give the little woman on Valentine's Day. First, don't be stupid enough to open the chocolates and eat the best ones, clumsily rearranging the rest to hide your larceny. Don't buy her anything with the words diet, light or high fiber on the label. This is just suicide. You might not want to get her Die Hard or any Sylvester Stallone movie either. While we're on the subject of gifts, avoid household appliances, power tools and anything else from the harder side of Home Depot. And finally, don't shop at 7-11 even though that's where we prefer that she shop for us.

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out one thousand Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

A little boy asked his dad "How much does it cost to get married?" The father responded, "I don't quite know son; I'm still paying for it."

Kids are a terrific source of information and advice about Valentine's Day.

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? "No person really decides before they grow up whom they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with." Kirsten, age 10

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE? "Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough." Lynnette, age 8

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that will usually get them interested enough to go for a second date." Martin, age 10

WHEN IS IT OK TO KISS SOMEONE? "When they're rich!" says Pam, age 7. Curt, age 8 disagrees: "The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that." Eight year old Ashley said: "The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do."

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED? "There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?" Kelvin, age 8

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK? "Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck." Ricky, age 10

Here is the final set of rule that we have to live by men. Listen up.

The FEMALE always makes the rules. The RULES are subject to change at any time without prior notification...by the FEMALE. No MALE can possibly know all the RULES. If the FEMALE suspects the MALE knows all the RULES, she must immediately change some or all of them. The FEMALE is never wrong. If the FEMALE is wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the MALE did or said wrong. The MALE must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstandings. The FEMALE may change her mind at any time. The MALE must never change his mind without the express written consent of the FEMALE. The FEMALE has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

The MALE must remain calm at all times, unless the FEMALE wants him to be angry or upset. The FEMALE must, under no circumstances, let the MALE know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset. The Male is expected to "mind read" at all times. The MALE who doesn't abide by THE RULES, can't take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp! Any attempt to document THE RULES could result in bodily harm. The FEMALE is ready when SHE is ready. The MALE must be ready at ALL times.