Okay sports fans, time for a little summer time football humor now that there’s officially a battle going on around the world as to exactly how to define football.

In every other nation but the United States, soccer (as we know it) is known as “football.” If you say “football” on this side of the pond, we’re asking “Do you mean professional, college, high school or Pop Warner?”

Be that as it may. Q: Why do Wimbledon fans carry lighters round with them? A: Because they lose all their matches! Bah-da-boop!

Q: If you see a Liverpool fan on a bike, why should you never swerve to hit him? It might be your bike...

Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding. One bloke says, "It's ridiculous, he's rich, but he's 95 years old, and she's just 24! What kind of a wedding is that?"

The other says, "Well, we have a name for it in my family. We call it a football wedding." The first asks, "What's a football wedding?" Answer: "She's waiting for him to kick off!"

And let’s not forget the college football humor. Q: How do you get a Tennessee graduate off your porch? A: Pay him for the pizza. Or this zinger…Q: What do you get when you put 28 Clemson cheerleaders in one room? A: A full set of teeth.

And let’s not forget America’s team, the Dallas Cowboys. Q: How do the Cowboys spend the first week of training camp? A: Studying their Miranda Rights. The Cowboys had a 12-6 season last year, 12 arrests and 6 convictions.

Why does Denver rookie quarterback Tim Tebow keep his Wonderlic score on his dash board? So he can park in the handicap zone. And what do you call a Georgia Bulldog with half a brain? Gifted.

And stupidity isn’t limited to college or professional football. You haven’t lived yet until you’ve attended a Pop Warner game with 144 screaming parents who think their kid is the next Brett Farve. What do you call these 144 screaming parents? Gross stupidity.

I do play-by-play for Pop Warner football in Harmony, Florida. God help you if you mispronounce one of these kid’s names. Before you can blink, there’s a screaming parent banging on the press box door demanding a do-over.

And no matter how many times you beg teams to provide phonetic rosters in numeric order, it never happens. Try looking up a player’s number when you’re reading off an alpha-order roster. Such is life at the Pop Warner level.

Parents who vicariously replay their lives through their kids need to get a life. And it’s not limited to Pop Warner or high school football. In Florida, we have two unofficial sports- cheerleading and dance. Never has so much money been spent on so little return.

Don’t get me wrong, I love going to see my beautiful granddaughter Ashley at her dance recital. You pay $8.00 per person to get into the recital, and it lasts all of about three minutes, the length of a Disney song like “It’s a small world after all.”

I didn’t mind the $8.00 (times 10 family members= $80.00) because I realize they have you by the short hairs. What I did mind was the fact that you couldn’t collect your little munchkin after her performance and politely depart so she could get to her mid-day nap. That’s right. They hold the kid hostage until the entire 8 hour dance recital is complete. I guess they didn’t want to lose their audience.

Preschoolers who miss their naps are about as much fun as wrestling an alligator. They don’t want to be there to begin with, and now they are being forced to sit back stage while 100 other classes of kids do their performance.

I did some quick math on what my son Cory and his wife had invested in this gig. Start with weekly lessons at about $10 a crack for a year, in preparation for the big recital.

This is the smallest part of the investment. You could outfit an entire football team for the costs of one recital appearance. Shoes have to run you in the range of $25.00. Tights run at least $10.00 a pair. The helmet, pardon me, the tiara, runs the entire gamut, depending on whether you go for real rhinestones or the plastic Wal-mart version. And then there’s makeup, arm bands, hair “up-do”, eyelash mascara, nails (hands and toes), flowers for the little munchkin from every family member and the post-game meal. My guess is we’re in the low thousands at this point.

It reminds me of the old bumper sticker: “Why do we do the things that we do when we know the things that we know?”