Archive for February, 2012

Fighting Fair

Wednesday, February 29th, 2012

When couples fight or bicker, terms like “all’s fair in love and war” emerge, as if they are a solution to the issue of fighting fair. They aren’t.

There are rules for engagement between “loving couples” who have a disagreement about something. First and foremost, no physical violence should ever be part of the process. It simply shows one or both of you are out of control.

Always avoid the S-B-D’s, which is what I like to refer to as the Silent But Deadly approach to conflict management. SBD does nothing and only furthers the frustration by one party or the other.

Don’t bank your “paybacks.”  Women typically have the memories of elephants and can bank away every misdeed we males ever thought of committing, bringing them up decades later for ammunition in the new battle. Men do it too; they just have lousier memories.

Always prepare the battlefield for settling the disagreement. It should never be over dinner, in bed or at the end of what was otherwise a crappy day for one or both of you. It’s a recipe for disaster. Why ruin a good meal or a decent night’s sleep!

Attack the problem, not each other. It’s okay to be mad at problem, not your partner. Stick to the facts. Unfound accusations are like a runaway train.  And don’t bring those irritating friends or relatives onto the battlefield.  They would probably enjoy watching you bludgeon one another.

Avoid name calling and dramatics. Men like to hurl curse words and women love to grease the wheel with tears. These dramatics have no place in a fair fight.  Don’t throw your feelings like stones and never bring up past misdeeds. In short, stay on the subject.

In the corporate world, we train our audiences to use a four part formula when dealing with a conflict with an internal customer (fellow worker) or an external customer (the people who buy your product or service).

1- Soften the complaint using the feel, felt, found approach, i.e. I know how you feel, this is what I felt when that happened and I found that this was the best approach to the issue.

2- Isolate the complaint and agree on what the issue is.

3- Rephrase it to one another so you both are clear on the issue.

4- Work toward a win-win solution. Remember, you are not enemies.

It’s important to stay on subject and not ramble. When people don’t fight fair, they bring up a myriad of previous missteps and misdeeds from the in-laws to the nosey neighbors. Don’t go there; you’re just rambling and nothing good comes from this approach.

Look for and offer solutions and give the other party a chance to talk without interrupting them. You might even take notes. When you write notes, you’re in effect saying to the other person “What you’re saying to me is very important and I want to write it down.”

Never hit below the belt with terms like “You never…” or “You always…” Name calling and unrelated accusations lead nowhere. Turn down the volume and the high levels of exaggeration! If you’re truly looking for a solution, volume and exaggeration is not part of the solution.

A favorite manipulative defense mechanism is to lead with “It’s all my fault.” Don’t do it, even if it is. Be humble because you could be wrong. Usually there’s enough fault on both sides to share some of the blame.

Check your psychological weapons at the door and make sure they are not deadly. The damage we do to others with our words can come back to haunt you later.

Never quarrel or fight in public or reveal private matters to your friends or buddies in search of sympathy. 80% don’t care and the other 20% glad it’s your problem and not theirs!

Whenever you come to terms, put the matter away until you both agree it needs more discussing, keeping a solution in mind along the way.

Finish the fight! It’s not fair to “hit and run” or open old wounds. Once it’s over, move on.

Finally, remember to forget.

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A View from a Child’s Eye

Wednesday, February 22nd, 2012

When my beautiful grandbabies, Ashley (5) and Ava (3) dropped by to visit me at my office recently, they do what they always do… they took over!

For pre-school children, they look at your junk as their junk. “Your stuff is my stuff,” is what their mind’s eye is saying. So they proceeded to examine all the equipment, from the copy machines to the laminating machine to an ancient typewriter that I have behind my desk, which Ashley decided to investigate further.

“What’s this one Jiddo (the Arabic word for grandfather)?” I explained that it was a machine we used in the pre-computer days to type correspondence. I keep one handy to complete the myriad of government forms and company memos that require us to “fill in the blanks.”

She proceeded with her questioning. “What does it do?” I turned it on (it’s not that ancient; it’s electric). “I occasionally have to type something on a form,” I explained.

Satisfied with that, she pushed further with her investigation. “May I try it out, Jiddo?” We proceeded to put in a piece of paper in the carriage and aligned the machine. Ashley is five but spells at a third grade level and knows her way around the keyboard from playing with her dad’s laptop. She decided to type her name. Next, she typed her sister’s name, Ava Aun.

She worked her way through the whole family and then began to play, rapping away at the keys at the speed of 100 words per minute, laughing louder with each strike of a key. I’m thinking to myself that she’s going to use up all my ribbon. Finally, she concluded the process and we took the paper out of the carriage.

This amazed her as well. “Jiddo, this is neat! The printer is built in. Why don’t they make computers that way? I’ve never seen that.”

It’s amazing watching a child’s world unfold. To begin with, they are alarmingly honest, telling me that I have big ears and that my nose is “rather large.” Children’s humor is all around us.

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. “If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, ‘Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.’” Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, “Ryan…you be Jesus.”

TEACHER: “George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louis, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?” LOUIS: “Because George still had the axe in his hand.”

TEACHER: “Clyde, your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s. Did you copy his?” CLYDE: “No, teacher, it’s the same dog.”

TEACHER: “Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?” HAROLD: “A teacher?”

TEACHER: “Cindy, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?” CINDY: “You told me to do it without using tables!”

SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER: “Now, Sam, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?” SAM: “No sir, I don’t have to, my mom is a good cook.”

A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, “And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?” One bright little girl replied, “Because people are sleeping.”

A mother was away one weekend at a business conference. During a break, she decided to call home collect. Her six-year-old son picked up the phone and heard a stranger’s voice say “We have a Marcia on the line. Will you accept the charges?” Frantic, he dropped the phone and ran outside screaming, “Dad! Dad! They’ve got mom!! And they want money!!!”

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, “I’m drawing God.” The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.” Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, “They will in a minute.”

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Facing the Saber Tooth Tiger

Wednesday, February 15th, 2012

I often tell stories on the platform of extraordinary people who overcome adversity in their lives. Many of these inspirational people were born into their circumstances and had no choice but to fight through it.

What about those of us who create our own obstacles with bad choices? Just because we did it to ourselves doesn’t mean we deserve the fate we’ve created in our lives.

I often use stories out of the sports world to amplify the importance of overcoming adversity. The remarkable story of Wilma Rudolph comes to mind. A poor, African-American child from a family of 17 children was born with Polio. It was further complicated with double pneumonia and scarlet fever at the age of four. She went on to win three Gold medals in the 1960 Olympics in Rome. Her story turned out well, but others weren’t so blessed.

When Jim Peters came into the stadium in Vancouver, British Columbia in the Olympic Games he had a 21 minute lead over his closest competitor in the grueling marathon. He collapsed 17 times on the track from the lactic acid in his muscles, leaving him 200 yards short of the finish line and a Gold Medal.

Life deals us the cards of our circumstances. We can fight or we can flee. Animals who are threatened can fight or they can flee. Every morning in Africa, a gazelle wakes and knows that it must evade the crushing teeth of a lion to live another day. And every day, a lion wakes knowing that if she can’t run down the gazelle, she and her cubs might starve. Regardless, each must wake to the reality of running the moment they wake up.

Modern day stress triggers the fight-flight mechanism in our own lives, driving nerve cell firing to occur, releasing adrenaline, noraadrenaline and cortisol into our bloodstream. These can drive other dramatic changes. We react physically and psychologically with “fight” or “flight” as we search our environment “for the enemy.”

This process bypasses the rational mind where our more well thought out beliefs exist, moving us into an “attack” mode. That state of alert causes us to perceive almost everything in our world a possible threat to our survival. Everything appears as a possible “enemy.” Something as necessary as airport security or any other perceived threat in our lives can be seen as an “enemy.” Fear becomes the lens through which we see our world.

The only way to counter this is to cultivate positive attitudes and beliefs which can rescue us from the survival mode. You have to activate the rational mind and compartmentalize the stresses that are driving the fears.

Making clear choices based on our beliefs help us to motivate ourselves. No one else can motivate you. As a so-called “motivational speaker,” I’m probably the only guy in North America who doesn’t believe that you can motivate anybody to do anything they don’t want to do. Motivation is internal, not external.

And yet, all people are motivated by something. The person who stays in bed rather than getting up and going to work or school is more motivated to stay in bed. They might be negatively motivated but they are nonetheless motivated. People actually do things for their reasons, not for yours or anyone else’s.

The modern day saber tooth tigers of stress and strain in our lives trigger many of our choices, causing us to respond aggressively or to over-react. It’s counterproductive to punch out your boss (flight response). We can do two things: (1) we can change our external environment which is our reality or (2) we can change our perception about that reality.

Since we can only control our half of a relationship, we must choose appropriate responses to these saber tooth tigers that stress us. Physical exercise is one way. Close the door and do 25 pushups, which, admittedly I would have a problem doing, but it gets your mind off the stressor. Meditate and do stress reduction exercises in your mind to bridge the stress gap.

Exercise increases our natural endorphins, which help us to feel better. When we feel better, me make better decisions.

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Is Love Having to Never Say You’re Sorry?

Wednesday, February 8th, 2012

“Love Story” was an enormously successful movie made in 1970 starring Ali MacGraw, Ryan O’Neil and John Marley among others. The classic line in the movie was “Love means never having to say you’re sorry.” But is that true?

I suspect we alpha males have the biggest problem apologizing for something mainly because we’re alpha males. We tend to view apologies as a sign of weakness, when in fact an apology requires great strength. Alpha males have it all wrong. They don’t know what they don’t know because it’s out of character for them.

As I read and study the characteristics of a true apology, it boils down to several things. First, the social scientists say you have to take responsibility for the mistakes you made, another trait that is uncharacteristic of the alpha male.

Secondly, one must make a commitment never to repeat that behavior that caused hurt to others. Third, you do have to say you’re sorry, unlike the advice of the movie “Love Story” which suggested that it wasn’t necessary.

This is easier said than done because when you hurt someone else, you have not just hurt them, but you have violated their trust, perhaps forever. One must regain other’s trust and that may be the toughest part of it all.

The late, great John Savage, one of the pioneers in the insurance industry, once made the observation that “Trust, once violated, negates a relationship. It takes a very forgiving person to allow you a second chance.”

Since I admittedly am the king of screw-ups, you would think I have a wealth of experience in saying “I’m sorry” for this or that. When you have a relationship with another person, business or personal, part of the benefits of that relationship is a partner or colleague that will help monitor destructive behavior and to stop things that are potentially harmful to the relationship.

“When you’re green you grow, when you’re ripe you rot,” as the old saying goes. The toughest thing is actually saying “I’m sorry” to another. Why is this? First, it’s clear they haven’t taken responsibility for their actions a therefore they are “ripe” and “rotting” in their old behavior.

One must prune the tree of bad habits or those very things that are not changed may cause the tree to ultimately die. Trust is significant because one says to another “I have confidence in you to be honest and faithful and to keep your promises.” The other side of trust is forgiveness and it will never be given until trust is restored.

While trust is generally eroded over time, it stands to reason that regaining it may also take time, if ever at all. Issues such as anger, compulsion and other abnormal behavior are symptoms of the lost trust and drive the behavior.

So it starts with sincerely saying one is sorry for the behavior they committed and pledging to never repeat it ever again. A sincere apology gives you credibility. More importantly, I have found the hard way that it takes personal integrity to do this.

Personal integrity consists of a number of things. It’s about our actions, which do speak louder than words. It expresses our values, which are often compromised when we make bad choices in life. It’s about the methods we use to cope with the good, the bad and the ugly of our lives. It’s about the principles we espouse. When we veer from what we believe, because we’re human, we can return to those principles they should guide the outcome. In the end, the expectations are there and we must return to our values.

Love, in fact, is “having to say I’m sorry” to those you hurt. Ali MacGraw had it wrong in wrong in Love Story. Take if from someone who has learned that the hard way. Among other things, it helps you to take full responsibility for the things for which you are expressing your sorrow. Tell the people in your life today. It will help you to take ownership of your shortcomings. I know this from personal experience.

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Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder Hurts

Wednesday, February 1st, 2012

Those of us who suffer from ADHD have often heard the official ADHD joke, as the internet describes it: “How many ADHD people does it take to screw in a light bulb?” Answer: “Do you want to ride bikes?”

The fact is Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder is a very real problem for millions of us in society today. ADHD victims suffer from inattentiveness, over-activity and impulsivity. Sometimes there is a combination of all the above. The social scientists tell us that about 3%-5% of school aged children are affected.

And while it was initially thought that ADHD was largely a male syndrome, the fact is that more females are said to be saddled with the disorder today. In the eighties, ADHD was often dismissed in females and written off as a general lack of interest in certain academic endeavors.

Today the social scientists know a lot more about ADHD. Thanks to brain scans and lots of neuroscience, ADHD has largely been redefined by medical professionals. Different psychological disciplines still tend to view ADHD from different perspectives. There doesn’t seem to be a common agreement between the groups.

In simple layman terms, the forebrain and midbrain aren’t always on the same page with one another, leading the individual suffering from ADHD to make inconsistent decisions. In short, it leads to “brain mitigation,” as one therapist put it. ADHD people negotiate their circumstances entirely differently than other people. The information doesn’t sort out in the ADHD brain.

It’s often thought that ADHD individuals suffer from a lack of attention when in fact they actually suffer from paying too much attention to too many different things. Irrational behavior tends to be the result of their decision process– everything from forgetting to wear clothes and jewelry to mind wandering.

They often view the big stuff and the small stuff from a reverse pain perspective. For instance, they might laugh off a major health issue as an “owie” while something as small as a mosquito bite pushes them off the deep end. It’s not the big things that drive them nuts, it’s the small stuff.

A friend of mine once described it in terms that even I can understand. ADHD people hear, see and read things the way the old telegraph signals were sent. They only tend to get certain messages. They don’t always see and acknowledge the “big things.” They absorb limited information.

Too much information fogs their mind and does more to confuse them. They ultimately become inconsistent and often perplexed. Some studies say that 4.7% of all adults suffer from severe ADHD. Some social scientists put the number as high as 10% though it’s masked by some while others have it and simply don’t know it.

ADHD people tend to pay too much attention to details that others don’t see. It’s been said that our strengths, overused, can become our weaknesses.

The list of ADHD celebrities is long and illustrious from Grammy-winning singer Justin Timberlake to award winning actor and comic Robin Williams, who has two Emmy’s, four Golden Globes, two Screen Actors Guild and five Grammy Awards in addition to his Academy Award for Best Supporting Actor in the 1997 film Good Will Hunting.

As a comic, Williams would rattle off his humor so fast that he’d be on the fifth joke before you absorbed the first one. When he finally slowed down to let his audience catch up, he achieved stardom as a comic.

An ADHD individual can spout off instantly about their favorite movie but when you question them about the plot, they may have problems recalling even the basics, missing all the details that their so-called normal counterparts see and retain.

Many are brilliant but have no common sense because they are much better at “doing it” than they are at waiting for others to do it. They often suffer from something called “oppositional reflex.” You say yes, they say no. You say black, they say white. You say day, they say night. That comes off as contrarian in nature but it’s very much related to ADHD.

It leads them to feel paranoid about things and often drives them to a ready-fire-aim approach to life. In short, it hurts!

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