I am in the business of helping widows and orphans. I have been in the insurance business for 35 years and have handled hundreds of death claims during that tenure. And yet, I’ve never felt comfortable with the process. My admiration for Priests, Rabbi’s and Ministers is enormous.
I have been a keynote speaker on scores of occasions over the years for funeral directors and people who do cremations. It has always amazed me how these folks have been “hardened” to the process of dealing with death. Part of it has to do with their ability to maintain a sense of humor. Some of the funniest people I’ve ever met were funeral directors. Otherwise, how could they possibly deal with all the heartbreak and grief?
The shrinks tell us that we go through seven stages of grief. The first is shock, denial and numbed disbelief. It is about avoiding the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once and it can last for weeks or months. Some people never get out of the funk.
The second stage is pain and guilt. When the shock finally wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Some of the leading experts say it’s critical to experience this and not avoid it or hide from it through alcohol or drugs. Guilt and remorse is a natural response during this chaotic and frightening time.
The wonderful 2006 movie “We Are Marshall” focuses on what an entire community went through in dealing with the deaths of most of the members and coaches of the Marshall University football team. When the school made a decision to keep the football program alive, it brought about the firing of the University President Don Dedmon. Why? Anger and frustration, plain and simple.
Frustration gives way to anger; you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else. People often rail against fate, questioning “Why me?” Bargaining becomes the order of the day. “I’ll give up drugs if you’ll only bring them back.”
Generally depression, reflection and loneliness set in next. Well meaning friends feel you should get on with your life. You can’t let others talk you out of a period of sad reflection because it’s a normal stage of grief that helps you identify the magnitude of your loss. That’s what depresses you and brings on the feelings of emptiness and despair. Focus on the memories of the past and the good things.
Remembering good things is helpful to move toward the next stage of making the upward turn and adjusting to life without a loved one. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your “depression” begins to lift slightly.
This paves the way for reconstruction and rebalancing your life by becoming functional again. Your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your loved one. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life without him or her. Sometimes people make hasty financial decisions before they’ve dealt with the earlier steps of the grief process. Here’s where our team of financial professionals are at our best. What I may lack in other areas is often made up for here.
Finally and mercifully is acceptance and hope. During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to a totally carefree lifestyle. After all, things are different now.
We’re just passing through. Our presence on this earth is but a speck on the backdrop of time. Making the most of our presence is our responsibility. I have found that the kindest thing I can say to someone is something a friend of mine, Sadie Lee Harmon Baynard, said to me when I lost my mother.
“Make a celebration of her life. Remember the many good things. Memorialize her by living the rest of your life in a way that would make her proud.” Pretty good advice from a good friend.
