The Role Of Raising A Child

April 11th, 2012

In today’s world, I constantly bump into grandparents who are now the primary caregivers of their grandchildren. For a variety of reasons, parents have departed the scene, and it now falls to those who often are the only alternative for the child anyway.

Still, it breaks my heart to see a grandchild who has no relationship with a mother or a father. I can’t even imagine how I would feel if I were in their situation because I had two loving parents. Nevertheless, my parents raised 11 children and I knew they were always there… and yet, they weren’t.

When your father holds down two jobs to make ends meet and your mother is busy making babies, feeding, clothing, cooking and raising them, there isn’t a lot of quality time to spread around with each child. While those of us who come from large families were not officially “orphaned” in the truest definition of the word, metaphorically we were.

Parenting in our home, for me at least, fell to my oldest sister Mary. She was my mentor, my role model, my coach and my teacher, not by design but rather by default. It was not a job she sought out, but she accepted her role with grace and dignity as the oldest child in the family.

I won’t lie; when she left to join the convent after her senior year I was devastated. I was still in high school and I wanted and needed her guidance, as did many of my other brothers and sisters. No, we were not “orphaned” in the truest sense, but for the second time in my life, I felt I was.

Since I never had the one-on-one attention from my parents, the maternal aspect of that job fell to Mary. The paternal role was vicariously assumed by my uncles, Arthur and Eli Mack, who were always checking behind me at every turn, particularly in sports. Neither of my parents ever saw me play an athletic event. Neither was present when I won the South Carolina state oratorical speech contest. They simply did not have the time or the wherewithal to do this for 11 children.

Like the grandchild of my friends who are raising her, I accepted that as “the way it was.” But just like that beautiful child, I felt the pain of an absence of parental input and guidance.

Nearly four million children are being raised by grandparents today, according the government statistics. Two million others live with their grandparents, putting three generations all under the same roof.

Parenting is more than just putting food on the table and a roof over a child’s head. It’s about taking an active role in a child’s life. Admittedly, my wife Christine assumed most of that role in my immediate family as I traveled around the world giving speeches when my children were young. Everything fell to her and I openly give her full credit for raising Cory, Jason and Christopher.

Christine is a nurse by profession but was a stay-at-home mom by design. We were blessed that we could do that in our home, but in today’s world, many loving parents both have to work to make ends meet. Even with the best of circumstances, parenting is diluted a bit by that process. Still, families have to cope, no matter the circumstances.

Grandparents often fill that void, pinch hitting after school until mom and dad get home. Many times, those quality moments they get with their grandchildren make all the difference in the world.

Parenting by any definition is a noble cause that is often not fully appreciated, whether the role is being fulfilled by parents, step-parents, grandparents or those who adopt children.

Another set of grandparents were sharing with me recently their dilemma about two grandsons. One is a hard-charging, state ranked wrestler who takes every defeat personally. The other grandson is younger and lacks the killer instinct of his sibling. He’s just as happy competing and accepts that role nicely. These kids are blessed to not only have caring parents but caring grandparents in their lives.

I salute anyone and everyone who accepts the role of raising a child.

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“It’s The Customer, Stupid!”

April 4th, 2012

How do you go about solving a problem? When I address an audience in the corporate arena, we dish out some advice that could also be used in personal circles as well.

We like to give the corporate audience ten rules to live by when preparing a solution to a problem. First and foremost, identify the problem and get the customer involved with the development of a solution. Learn to solve problems quickly and creatively.

Secondly, the more information you gather, the better the solution you can provide. Look for solutions in unusual places. Know that there are no new ideas, only new ways to present old ideas.

Third, ask a practical question: What does the customer really need? Before you answer that, know your ethical boundaries. Cheapest isn’t always best or appropriate.

Fourth, find out who the decision makers are. Remember, there are no friendly complaints and many times they evolve around the fact that the actual decision makers are absent during the solution process.

Fifth, deliver the solution personally. Never delegate a presentation to a middle man. Understand that price is rarely the main or only consideration.

Sixth, ask the client “What happened that really made you mad?” Marketing is useless if people are mistreated.

Seventh, ask the client “What could I do to really please you?” Find out how to effectively communicate and to persuasively prepare a solution for a problem.

Eighth make sure the solution is appropriate. Never underestimate the power of persistence.

Ninth, never volunteer what they don’t ask for. Don’t scratch what doesn’t itch, but always make good on your promises.

Tenth, be flexible in your structure. More than anything else you must be a survivor.

The basic question in any customer service scenario is how can you fix something if you don’t even know it’s broken? It’s critically important that you engage in the client. There are five keys:

1. Engage in good fact-finding. Ask open-ended questions that begin with the words “who, what, when, where, why, and how” and they will lead to rhetorical, open-ended responses.

2. Get to know the client, their likes and dislikes. Often people want what they don’t need and need what they don’t want. Your job is to educate them.

3. Speak the client’s language. Don’t use colloquial terms that are unfamiliar to the client. Talk “their” talk and walk “their” walk.

4. Understand the differences between what the client wants and what you’re prepared to deliver.

5. Finally, set up a “no-fail” return visit.

The Technical Assistance Research Program, a Washington-based think tank, did some interesting research on why people don’t bother to complain about poor service. It’s estimated that 96% of unhappy clients don’t bother to even complain about poor service. That’s a stunning statistic!

Surprisingly, the TARP study boiled it down to three simple reasons. First, it wasn’t worth the client’s time. Why waste time complaining when the vendor failed to deliver on the first go around?

Second, you aren’t listening; so why bother to complain to someone who isn’t even paying attention in the first place?

Third, you won’t respond. There’s this misconception in customer service arenas today that the customer is trying to “get away” with something. In my new book, “It’s the Customer, Stupid!” I try to bring this out. Catherine Hamm, a columnist for the Los Angeles Times, posted an article some time ago about this very issue after the airlines lost a customer’s luggage and then questioned its value.

Ms. Hamm writes: “What doesn’t make sense is the underlying presumption in the customer service process. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it until I stumbled on Michael Aun’s new book, ‘It’s the Customer, Stupid!’ Here’s what he writes: ‘Many so-called customer service reps launch the complaint process with the belief that the customer has a hidden agenda; that is, they are simply looking for something for nothing. Why not go ahead and just flat-out call your client a liar and a thief?’”

“So go ahead airlines,” writes Ms. Hamm. “Charge us for our baggage. Even make us show proof after we’ve suffered some loss. But don’t treat us like crooks. We’re not the bad guys, and you shouldn’t be either.”

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“Are You Prejudiced?”

March 28th, 2012

The social scientists tell us that we are judged and we judge others on the basis of nine things.

The first is the color of our skin. I grew up in the deep-south in the little town of Lexington, S.C. In those days in the old south, there were three kinds of people- white people, black people and Jews. I am of Lebanese descent and I am Catholic by faith but in the eyes of most of the folks in Lexington, we were considered to be Jews because we were too white to fit in one group and too dark to fit in the other.

Since this kind of prejudice was rampant in those days, you either learned to be a good at fighting or you rolled with the punches. My grandfather, Eli Mack, Sr., was affectionately known as “Jew Mack.” He was not hated; in fact, he was loved by many and was even elected Mayor of Lexington in the late forties. Still, he was called “Jew Mack.” Catholics were also a despised minority, so many of my friends and teammates had a second thing they could use against me. They laughed at me as I ate fish on Fridays after the football game while the rest ate chicken or steak.

The second kind of prejudice is age. In the vast majority of businesses today, there is legitimate prejudice against older workers. There is this perception that they are past their prime. Shame on these organizations; they bully people into “early retirement” only to fatten their bottom line and eliminate higher priced talent in exchange for lower priced college graduates, who will have 14-18 jobs before they are 38 years of age, according to the Department of Labor.

The third kind of prejudice is about gender. Just look at the facts. Women are typically paid less than men in the workplace and have fewer opportunities. Many religions have outright prejudice and hatred of women, evidenced by the fact that they prohibit them from advancing in any way.

We can do little about our skin color, our age or our gender. We have to play the hand God dealt us. However, the other six prejudices on the list we can and should control. After all, we can only be responsible for one-half of a relationship- our half!

The fourth kind of prejudice is your appearance. We can do something about this. Clean up your act. Take a look at yourself in the mirror in the morning and ask “How can I make this look better to others?” Usually, it isn’t much. Pick the right clothes. Put on some make-up. Dress appropriately.

The fifth of our nine prejudices is your facial expressions. Put a smile on your face, whether you’re happy or not. No one wants to be around a grump. Don’t walk around looking like you’ve been weaned on a lemon.

The sixth prejudice comes from lack of eye contact. When you won’t look people in the eye when you’re communicating with them, you immediately create distrust. Lock in with others. It subconsciously says to them “You’re important to me!”

The seventh prejudice surrounds your body language. Body language speaks volumes about you. When you’re positive about life, you have a certain lift in your step. Even if your world is crumbling around you, “Act enthusiastic and you’ll be enthusiastic,” according the Dale Carnegie.

The eighth prejudice revolves around personal space. When you inadvertently invade other’s personal space, you cross a line that can rarely be reversed. Trust, once violated, negates a relationship. Give others plenty of room. Trust me; your breath isn’t as pleasant as you think it is.

The ninth prejudice is about your sense of touch, and I don’t mean physical touch. When you show legitimate care for other’s needs feelings and emotions it shows in how they respond to you. My wife does this as well than any person I’ve ever met in my life. You can be having a terrible day and she will find a way to make you feel better, and it’s all because she has an innate ability to touch others in a positive way.

Are you prejudiced? Study the list and determine how you can improve your relationship with others.

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“Eagles Or Buzzards, Which Are You?”

March 21st, 2012

Servant leadership is not a new concept, but it is one that is rarely practiced not only in the workplace but also in other settings such as the home, the church and the community, the four typical settings where rules apply to all.

I often address audiences on the subject of leadership ranging from areas of middle management on up. My newest book, “Rules from the Leader Ship” is almost complete and will also focus on these areas. My keynote address, “Eagles or Buzzards, Which Are You?” questions outright the differences in leadership styles.

Servant leadership boils down to five main phases. The difference between great leaders and average leaders is not a lot unlike the differences between the eagle and the buzzard.

From a distance, the eagle and the buzzard look very much alike. The eagle has a straight neck and the buzzard has a bit of a crook in its neck. Their wing span is almost identically the same. The buzzard is a scavenger and only picks at the remains of another’s kill. The eagle, on the other hand, kills its own lunch and the buzzard picks at the remains. Which are you?

Leadership is not about taking a poll, finding out how people think or feel and then galloping out to the front to lead the mob. Servant leaders understand two basic principles. First, the price of leadership is loneliness. If you’re trying the win a popularity contest, you’re in the wrong position. Second, you can’t be concerned with what other people think about you. In fact, what they think is none of your business.

The five major thrusts of servant leadership are so simple that I wonder why they need to be reviewed at all. The first premise is to be a good example. If you adopt the philosophy “BE WHAT YOU SEE IN ME” and then live the message you “serve” as a role model, be it in the home, the church or whatever setting. If you say one thing and do another, those who follow you will immediately question you.

The second premise is to “SHOW THEM WHAT TO DO AND HOW TO DO IT.” There is a tremendous misconception in corporate and non-profit circles today about the difference between leadership and management. They are not the same. People don’t know what they don’t know. It’s up to servant leaders to “serve” as an example.

The third premise is to “MEET THE NEEDS OF YOUR PEOPLE.” Your team members, family members, congregation or whatever setting you’re in have legitimate needs. In fact, they wear huge metaphorical billboards that scream out what those needs are. We have to interpret and understand them.

· When they say “love me” they want you to love them as much as you want them to love their role in your relationship with them.

· When they say “notice me” they want attention for the efforts they have made on behalf of those they service.

· When they say “recognize me” they want genuine appreciation for a job well done. No one takes the time to send simple thank you notes any more. A note should be done quickly and specifically. It should be short and to the point and it should be written personally.

· When they say “include me” they are pleading to be a part of the overall team effort. Let them take that responsibility, even if they fail.

· When they say “believe in me” they want to accomplish; they want you to believe in them, especially after they fail.

If it’s understood that failure is the process by which we succeed, in order to have more success, we need to have more failure. We should be teaching people to fail faster so they can learn the errors of their ways.

The fourth premise of servant leadership is to “EXPECT A LOT AND YOU’LL GET A LOT.” And then you must “inspect” what you “expect.” That’s good management practice to check up on the process.

The final premise is to “BELIEVE IN THEM AND THEY’LL BE MORE LIKELY TO BELIEVE IN YOU.” This is the difference between eagle leadership and buzzard leadership. Which are you?

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“Coach-Speak”

March 14th, 2012

“Coach-speak” comes in many forms. The late, great John Heisman, whose name graces the trophy for the top college football player in the nation, once said to his Clemson College football team: “Gentlemen, it is better to have died a small boy that to fumble this football.”

Notre Dame’s Knute Rockne had many great quotes. “Show me a good and gracious loser and I’ll show you a failure.” He always challenged his teams that winning was everything. “It’s not necessary to see a good tackle; you can hear it!”

The legendary Alabama Coach Bear Bryant was known for his grumpy attitude and his plaid hat, but his players remember him more from his torrid practices. “I make practices real hard,” said Bryant. “If a player is a quitter, I want him to quit in practice, not a game.”

Not all coach quotes were motivational in nature. Georgia Southern’s Erk Russell, who first gained fame as Vince Dooley’s long time assistant at the University of Georgia, once commented: “We don’t cheat at Georgia Southern. That costs money and we don’t have any.” Nebraska’s Bob Devaney put it another way: “I don’t expect to win enough games to be put on NCAA probation. I just want to win enough to warrant an investigation.”

Sometimes those outside of the game get into the motivational game. A sign seen in front of an Arkansas church in 1969 said simply: “Football is only a game. Spiritual things are eternal….. Nevertheless, BEAT TEXAS!”

I have had the privilege of sharing the platform with now retired Florida State football coach Bobby Bowden. Just before his retirement, he quipped: “After you retire, there’s only one big event… and I ain’t ready for that yet.” He once told one of his gifted pass receivers “Son, you’ve got a good engine, but your hands aren’t on the steering wheel.”

And the master of all college mentors in the “coach-speak” department was Lou Holtz, who coached at so many universities that even he lost count. I had to opportunity to speak to one of his University of South Carolina teams during the team’s infamous 22-game losing streak. His quote that day: “Motivation is simple. You eliminate those who are not motivated.”

When Clemson beat Woody Hayes and Ohio State for the National Championship in the Orange Bowl in 1981, Hayes was quoted as saying “There’s nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the hell kicked out of you.”

In a humorous attempt to motivate his Auburn team to beat Alabama, Shug Jordan said “Always remember, Goliath was a 40 point favorite over David.”

And when teams got beat, the smart coaches just owned the loss. The celebrated Coach Darrell Royal of Texas defined his team’s loss to Texas A & M: “The cut us up like boarding house pie… and that’s real small pieces.” Texas Tech’s Spike Dykes said after a Red Raider loss: “They whipped us like a tied up goat.” After another loss he said “We played like three tons of buzzard puke this afternoon.”

Darrell Royal always found ways to state the obvious in a humorous way. “We live one day at a time at Texas and we only scratch when it itches.” He liked to boast about his running game at Texas by explaining “Three things can happen when you throw the football… and two of them are bad! We’ll keep it on the ground.”

Walt Garrison, who had a career at Oklahoma State after Royal and the Longhorns passed on recruiting him stated: “I asked Darrell Royal why he didn’t recruit me and he said ‘Well, Walt, we took a look at you and you weren’t any good.’”

After Southern Cal got their heads handed to them in a 51-0 loss to Notre Dame, Trojan Head Coach John McKay announced to his team: “If there is anybody that needs a shower, take one.” On another occasion he said “We didn’t tackle well today but we made up for it by not blocking.”

The King of all “coach-speak” was Vince Lombardi. “The difference between a successful person and others is not a lack of strength, not a lack of knowledge, but rather a lack of will.”

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